i was sitting on the bus alone today and this crossed my mind: making a decision is easy, but following through your decision takes a whole lot more courage. why is making a decision easy? it’s because what you simply have to do is just to choose the right thing. but to follow through the decisions you made really is the hard part.

example: the day you decided to accept jesus. it is a decision easy to make because it is the right thing to do. the best thing to do. when you follow jesus, you have everlasting life, you have a relationship with god. however, to follow jesus, to bear the cross everyday, it is hard. to follow through that one decision you made years ago, we sacrificed every single day of our life. why? because we know that this is the right thing to do. we keep pushing ourselves forward, telling ourselves that our rewards in heaven are greater, looking at the people who are fighting with us, we can’t help but to fight together with them.

what is that decision that you made in your life because you know it was the right thing to do? sometimes it’s not because we want to do it, but because we have to do it. it really takes a big heart to make that decision, but it takes an even bigger heart to follow through that decision. sometimes it can be really tiring.

to be able to sit down and do my things, to be able to arrange my time to do the things i want to do, instead of having to worry about project meetings, reports, deadlines..this is what i want more than anything else for now..

the past week has been a crazy one..with meetings as early as 9am that last till 11pm and continue to meet again at home till dawn..to be able to finally sleep at humane hours,it was a good end to the hectic weekdays..

enjoying the breeze in my own little working space now: perfect day..but sadly i gotta do other things now..

it just irritates me how unfair this life can be, at times.

remember the story of how the landowner of vineyard hires different laborers at different time but all the laborers were paid one dinar at the end of the day? yeah that’s unfair work and unfair reward. the landowner didn’t promise to be fair, he promised to give what he said and you have agreed to his terms: nothing to say already.

this is the exact situation facing me right now. this irritating project that we spent hours and hours thinking, proposing, rejected, thinking, proposing, rejected, improving, brainstorming, cracking our brains……that really wasted so much of our time………what makes it even worse is the fact that there are groups which didn’t do a single sh*t at all and just took past papers and just replicate it. well, that’s different amount of works done, but definitely the reward system is the same.

i’m really pissed off, but what can i do? not possibly anything.

just have to face the fact that life is JUST NOT FAIR.

well, i really rarely blog, but when i blog, it is always whinings..

but seriously, i m really in the verge of breaking down, i don’t know what is my limit, but for sure i know i am really tired.

and having friends whom i thought are my friends, friends whom i thought are committed to my success, and yet not supporting me with the one thing that i am so passionate about, really saddens me…and tips it off..

projects and reports are not going well.. exams are really one week away and i havent even started to read anything.. and home isn’t exactly where i like to be at now..

i guess it’s just the flood that comes at one go, the tsunami has hit me.. and i know it’s my choice whether i want to ride above the flood or be flooded away.. but sometimes, i really don’t feel like making that decision.. sometimes, it feels that hiding underneath the sea away from everyone is the better choice…

what am i doing all these for? sometimes i do wonder.

i know i am doing this for God. i am doing this for the people i love. but at times like this, these reasons just simply are not enough to keep me going. i hope i won’t explode, not too soon. gotta keep going, i still have a whole future to paint…

I was reading Hebrews 11 and came across this:

“²⁴By faith Moses, when he became of age, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, ²⁵ choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, ²⁶ esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt; for he looked to the reward.”

I was really encouraged by the life of Moses – he was guaranteed a great life, riches and status, but he chose to suffer affliction for the people of God: to lead the ungrateful Israelites out of Egypt – to where? the wilderness. he did not even enter the Promised Land. and again when I read the previous verses:

¹³ These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. ¹⁴ For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. ¹⁵ And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. ¹⁶ But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

I was deeply moved by these heroes of faith – looking at their lives and looking at mine… these people died without receiving their promises. Abraham died without seeing his descendants as the dust of the earth and his land that God promised; Moses died without entering the Promised Land; Abel died after offering to God an excellent sacrifice. but one thing all of them had in common: they died believing fully in God for the eternal reward instead of what they can get on earth; they died believing fully in God without doubt even when what God promised never come true. this is the kind of FAITH i want to have, the kind of FAITH that puts 100% trust in HIM even when circumstances are bad, even when His promises never come true, even when all else fails.

Sometimes when bad things happen to us, many of us doubt: is God really there? does God really love me? well, one thing we know that God never promised to be fair, but He promises to be faithful when we are faithless, He promises to be our Refuge and Stronghold when we are weak, He promises to love us despite our imperfections. How much does God really love us? We know. He died on the Cross for us when He is blameless and innocent. He bears our sins, our transgressions, our imperfections. We can go to Heaven to be with God because He made a way for us. He suffered everything for us even before we know Him. If that’s not enough, this is how much He loves us: (quoted from yohandi )

^{Mark 36} Then someone ran and filled a sponge full of sour wine, put it on a reed, and offered it to Him to drink, saying, “Let Him alone; let us see if Elijah will come to take Him down.”

the sponge full of sour wine was used by the people in olden times to clean their butts after doing business. they used that for Jesus to drink. and Jesus drank it. can you imagine drinking those dirty sponges that you use to.. (ok we don’t use sponge to clean our butts) wash your dishes? by now I believe everyone is “eeewww”-ing already.. yeah, Jesus did that. For US, for YOU and for ME. He loves us THAT much.

so for those of you out there, I believe there are promises of God that are yet to come true, and sometimes you wonder whether it will ever come true, looking at your life now sometimes you feel that it is impossible. but friends, will you be like Moses and Abraham who will die believing in God fully, never doubting the love of God?

let’s be heroes of faith. we live not for the things that are seen, but for the eternal reward. let’s press for eternity!

oh wells, what time is it? i guess the clock isn’t lying – it’s 3:06am.

i just feel like jotting this down: even though there are so many many many many things to do now, i would never exchange this school life with anything, not working life definitely.

despite the uber busyness, i m still enjoying this a thousand times better than my internship period.

but well, i just need to get my health back and pray to God that He will carry me through.

looking forward to the year end, to some fun-filled time – no matter what it is gonna be.

“He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform.”

Romans 4: 20-21

well it has been more than a month since i came back to singapore from the long break in jakarta..and well, as the title suggests a thousand and one things have happened these past 45 days or so..

first thing of course, school work has been unbelievably heavy, project meetings have started since week 2! and deadlines upon deadlines kept chasing after me.. it’s my third and final year in SMU, it is no wonder work is getting tougher, no more slacking and sleeping and lazing and shopping non-stop.. getting good grades is my top priority now, when work starts, there is no more grades to work toward..

i’m also doing some voluntary work now, helping out with many events, doing follow-ups, sourcing for suppliers etc. it hasn’t been exactly the fun-est job on earth, and day by day, with more school work piling up, i’m losing the joy in helping out this organization.. but well, what i have started i will definitely finish till the end, i m no quitter..

many conflicts with others, quarrels here and there, unhappiness, unexpected events etc.. but well, looking forward to the rest of the year, i believe God has a lot more in store for me..

2009 has not yet ended. keep fighting and never walk away!

Asli kesel ama jakarta yg macet gak karu2an dan bener2 mobil gak gerak, ditambah punya supir G*BL*K….. Bisa darah tinggi serius dhe… God, get me out of this traffic plisss………. Fast!

Kyknya gue orang paling egois sedunia, cmn taunya ngerepotin org nyusahin org, tp kalo direpotin ato disusahin ngomel2 sendiri, mati ga pny temen kyk gue? Tp kenapa temen2 masi tetep aja nempel sm gue?

“Elo kalo nyari gue cmn pas ada perlunya doang”

“Napa sih lo marah2 terus ke gue?”

“Eh gue temen lo yah bukan tong sampah lo”

Well, gue sering dpt komentar gt,,,ckckck..

Slalu dhe,,,tiap x gue stress kesel bete pengen ngamuk lg murka ato gmn, pasti gue nyari tmn2 gue yg slalu gue maki2, triak2in, melampiaskan semuanya… Tapi,,,tiap x temen2 gue ngelakuin hal yg sama ke gue,sering gue kesel dan sebel,mikir di dalem hati “ni org ga tau diri bgt si, bukan salah gue tp gue mulu yg kena getahnya”…pasti tiap x gue gitu,tmn2 gue pasti mikir gitu jg… Ckckck I hope not :p hahahahaha

Slalu dhe,,,tiap x gue minta bantuan ke org,gue ngarep mrk slalu iyain gue,bantuin gue,namanya jg temen,yah gak?tp tiap x temen gue minta bantuan gue,gw sering mikir “ni org koq repotin bgt sih???” Hahahahahhahahaha

Well,,,,whatever it is,no matter how I feel…as long as we never stop fighting for this friendship, I think we will be be closer to one another,and our friendship will last till we grow old…the bible says: a friend in need is a friend indeed. Ketika aku susah dan melihat kiri kanan,tmn2 yg keep sticking by no matter how annoying irritating stressed or ridiculous I am, that’s the friends I want to keep..and I promise,even when I don’t feel like it,when u feel the same way, I will stick by you, till the end…cos I want to be your friend too…

I’m still learning to throw away my ego, trying to surrender everything on the altar, bearing the cross and learning to love others like myself.. So if you are my friends, don’t hesitate to burden me, cos this way I know I will learn to be more mature, more unselfish and more christ-like.

Thank god for great friends…. And thank you for bearing with my nonsense… XD